i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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