i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
