I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
