i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
