Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
