stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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