my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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