Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
