Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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