well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
