sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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