I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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