By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize