Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
