had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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