my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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