he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
