i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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