: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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