We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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