I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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