the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
