I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
