dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
