I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
