I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Drake has all the answers
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
