Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize