so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
