Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
