dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
