There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
