How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
