Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
