woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
