true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
