Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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