My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she told me i tasted like america
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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