You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
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