are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
