I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
