I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
