someone get that fucking seahorse.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
