How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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