Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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