Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
