If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
