Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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