Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
