I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
