Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
