put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
