I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
