I smell stomach acid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
