god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
