i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
