Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
