First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
