I wish I could teleport
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
