god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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