I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
